I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.
TRANSCRIPT:
JOHN MULANEY: I normally don’t notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014.
AUDEINCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I just - all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere - I was at the doctor’s office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like, “nah, I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts”.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS
MULANEY: I was like, “huh. None of the Beatles had moustaches… but then one day, all of them had moustaches.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that”. Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much - they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS -
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, I’d be the Dalai Lama.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: I mean, it’s fine. Let’s all try right now - let’s all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all!
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS
MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden you’re like “oh my god, I’m driving!” and you remember? You’re like -
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “I’m going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I could’ve changed so many lives!” Sometimes, my wife - I have this wife - she’ll be like, “are you watching the road?” and I’m always like, “I am looking through the windshield.”
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
MULANEY: “And I’m not gonna hit anyone, but no. I’m thinking about the Beatles.”
Hey @vulpeculavolans added a transcript to this AND THAT IS SO AWESOME THANK YOU SO MUCH!
“I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts.” Is my true ADHD/Autism experience lmaoooo
Ghibli films look the way it feels to exist in this world, like not how the world actually looks, but how it feels- and in all the good ways
the warm buttered toast of early mornings, the sheated heavy rain of grey days, the huge welling tears of grief and the electric anger that raises your whole head of hair
like, it’s not real, but it’s really Real, you feel me?
I’ll let you in on a little secret: when you get better at lifting weights you also get better at lifting everything else. The muscles can’t tell the difference! They’re fucking idiots!!!
every time I see this post I release all over again that this is the peak of humor for the human race. like this is the funniest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen.
once had friends mercilessly fail three attempts at making me a birthday cake before realizing they’d been using diatomaceous earth in lieu of flour the whole time
I gasped with greater intensity than I ever have in my life
